Top Stories
Stimulus! Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements.
"The concept is simple," said a high ranking source with the Federal Reserve's Open Market Committee. "All we have to do is make a list of nations were we already have significant fiduciary arrangements, and introduce them to the vast, untapped, profitability of owning their own vitamin supplement business. If only twelve of those nations have the foresight to see the unlimited potential of this opportunity, and they contact a list of twelve other nations and introduce them to this opportunity, in just three to five years we could generate not just enough funding to stabilize the financial system, but create the liquidity necessary to fuel a new golden financial age for the entire world."
When asked how vitamin supplements, an active, yet small market segment, could generate the multi-trillions of dollars necessary to fund even half of the United State's total unfunded liabilities, the Fed official sad, "This is where the magic happens.
"Sure, you can ask, 'How many people want to take vitamins,' 'Why should I spend the extra money on these supplements when I can go to the drug store and buy vitamins at half the price.' All I can say is someone needs a check up from the neck up! Once you just try one of our free one week samples of these high quality supplements, and consume just four tablets six times a day with meals, the increase in your energy levels, stamina, and general health will sell the product itself. Just look at my finger nails. I bet there are billions of people around the world just dying to have fingernails this nice. So, as you can see, just based on the quality of the product alone, the Federal Reserve should easily realize returns of over ten percent to decades to come. That's even better than China!
"But, that's not all! You see the finest vitamin supplements in the world are only the tip of the Fed's new monetary initiative. Once the world experiences the benefits of our full line of vitamins, they will be eager to try out our full line of fine products. Then, through the concept known as 'Redirecting Your Buying,' where you just buy the products you normally use through the Federal Reserve system rather than your local grocery store or mall outlet, we can harness the buying power of billions around the globe and funnel those new resources into increased market liquidity, insurance related financial instruments, infrastructure projects, social programs... And, most importantly... Jobs. Can you imagine the number of factories that would have to open to supply the United States with breath spray if everyone used just two bottles a week?"
Stocks surged on the Fed's announcement and numerous corporate executives voiced enthusiasm to join the Fed's program. "I can easily see many corporations paying their employees with boxes of laundry detergent, body wash, and lip stick in lieu of money. I would not only be good for morale, but the economy as well, as business would be able to pass the savings of selling products from their own business direct to the consumer," said one noted market analyst.
A spokesman for the Internal Revenue Service also expressed optimism about the prospects of the new program. "Not only would the Federal Government see a significant rise in tax revenues generated from this new economic activity, the IRS itself could generate billions in profits as we would replace income tax returns with a series of motivational speaker cassette tapes and insightful books educating the public into how to create businesses of their own."
Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally.
Johnstown, PA (BNSE): Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.
"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."
The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"
"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.
"That's preposterous," said on high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."
When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.
Full Story:
Obama Gets Tough with Iran.
Leaves Bitchy Little Note on Desk at UN.
The strongly worded statement was delivered on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly in the form of a post-it note left attached to a reading lamp on the desk of the Iranian Delegation over a lunch break late last week.
According to sources who did not wish to be identified due to the sensitive nature of the issue, the White House placed the blame for the continuing escalation of international tensions revolving around Iran's nuclear program firmly on the Islamic Republic's shoulders.
"I though we had something together... I GUESS NOT! You know how I feel about you and how special I think our relationship could be, but I guess it won't happen because for you it's just going to be a one way street," begins the letter which diplomatic experts contend is from the White House. However, since the note was signed "You Know Who," this remains largely conjecture.
"I know you're upset about how much time I spend with Israel," continues the communique. "You know as well as I do that that will never work because of the 'Jewish' thing, but it's a tradition I'm stuck with. My voters expect me to be there, so I have to be there no matter how I feel. I JUST WISH THEY WOULD DIE! Then we could be together in the open and everyone would have no choice but accept it.
"Iraq and me are over. It was wonderful, I won't deny it. But, we are both moving on. Saudi Arabia is only nice to me when I buy them things, Afghanistan is fun but we both know they're crazy. And, Jordan... Well, they're so desperate they'll f**k anyone who pays any attention to them. I need to move on and I thought you were the one. But, if you keep up with this nuclear thing, I won't get reelected President and how will that look on my resume? If you want me to be with Israel, just say it! But, could you at least talk to me?"
A high ranking United Nations official who reviewed the letter stated bluntly that the communication indicated the United States' frustration with Iran was reaching a boiling point. "The Obama Administration has made forging new diplomatic ties in the Middle East a top priority since they came to office. However, these efforts have met with little success. It is apparent from the tone of the communication that the White House wants to change the paradigm of international relations in the region,and sees Iran's behavior not just as contradictory to this effort, but directly attributing to an entrenchment of the old staus quo that has only lead to the escalation of tensions in the region for decades."
"I know you think my nuclear weapons make you feel uncomfortable as a man," continues the note. "But, they were bought before I was President and they're just a gift to me. I don't even look at them. They're locked away and it is like I don't even own them. Just say the word, and I'll get rid of them all! I don't care if you get your own, just stop talking about it all the time and everything will be better."
The official pointed to this statement toward the end of the note as a possible olive branch, as well as a possible opening for a new avenues to negotiations. "Despite the caustic tone of the letter, my interpretation is cautiously optimistic on this point. I think if you read within the technical nuances of the diplomatic language, the White House is indicating a willingness to engage in direct nuclear negotiations with Iran," stated the official.
Members of the United Nations Iranian delegation refused comment on the note and its diplomatic implications. "The Islamic Republic is not in the habit or responding to unsigned correspondence," stated an unnamed Iranian diplomat. "If United States wants to talk to us, they know were we are. Just look at their Honorable Delegation right now... They're staring at us right now, and every time we look they turn their heads away. We don't have time for this crap."
Full Story:
Mexican Drug Gangs Boycott Arizona Over Immigration Law.
Phoenix, AR (BNSE): Joining a rising tide of protest boycotts of the state, leaders from several prominent Mexican drug gangs announced their intention to avoid doing business in Arizona until the State Legislature reverses its controversial new immigration law.
"We regret the impact this decision will have on our valued customers," said the spokesman for the group. "However, we simply cannot stand by and allow this patently illegal and un-Constitutional usurpation of Federal power to go unchallenged. It's bad for America, it's bad for Arizona, it's bad for business. And, to be blunt, it's bad for freedom. Hopefully, our move will inspire Arizona's drug addicted community to apply pressure on their elected representatives to end this short sighted legislation."
Methamphetamine and crack addicted activists expressed immediate concerns that drug users would have to make long commutes to neighboring states, and be forced to do business with more expensive American drug gangs or risk an onslaught of sudden sobriety. Speaking through an interpreter, one prominent drug user worried that in addition to the loss of his daily doses of black tar heroin, the market for the small electronic items, coats, hood ornaments, and change he pilfered from his neighbors' cars would dry up. The loss of this market could have far reaching unintended consequences for the Arizona economy in general, and even force the user to walk upstairs from is parent's basement in search of food. According the the user, "Uhhhh..."
Drug traffickers deflected criticisms that Mexican drug gangs are part of problem the motivated the Arizona legislature into passing its controversial immigration reform.
"The Mexican gangs are just doing a job Americans refuse to do," said King Jong Illin', a smack dealers from Flagstaff. "I've spray painted advertisements on every bridge, convenience store dumpster, and playground wall in the area and I still cannot find an American who wants to make the Nogales run with 15 kilos of PCP hidden in their colon.
"You'd think it would be easy to find a legal American who'd be willing to do an easy job like shove some small town mayor's head into a cooler full of gasoline and toss it into the local police station. But that's just not the case."
A proprietor of a small 'Mom and Pop' Oxycontin and child prostitution ring out of Tucson, Arizona, blames excessive government regulation on the growth of Mexican drug gangs. "I had some guy who owed me some money. So, I sent a few of my boys to his house to chop up his kids in front of him with a little hatchet. Next thing you know, Immigration shows up and demands to see the OSHA certification on the hatchet. I end up getting a hefty fine because my boys were not using protective eye wear or ear plugs and we just end up shooting the family to death. What kind of message does that send to my competition? I mean, how loud can a couple of kids scream?
"The Mexican gangs are the only way a small business owner can stay afloat. It's not like I'm a big corporation, bank, or politician. If I have to jump through a bunch of legal hoops every time I wanted to cut some deadbeat's tongue out I'd be out of business."
Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames "Damn Kids on Lawn."
Castro warned during his brief address that the world "was sitting on the brink of a nuclear holocaust that could engulf every nation on the planet and lead to the extinction of our species." He then promptly placed the blame of these events on "all those damn kids who are always running around my grass. Don't they have school? In my day we never ran around on other people's lawns. We WORKED. And, that's what made us strong. We didn't have time for any of this new fangled computers and I-Pods. We played in the dirt with sticks! And, we had fun doing it. Damn kids... Don't they have parents? Probably out there having sex in the middle of the road and smoking the pot while their little heathens are out there causing nuclear wars."
Castro demanded an international committee be formed under the auspices of the United Nations in investigate this link between the youth and nuclear proliferation with an emphasis toward, "Finding out if they're the same little bastards who throw rocks at my house at night and pick them up before morning so I don't have any proof to show the cops. I know it's that little Gonzalez punk down the street. His dad's a prick and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When I get him, I'm gonna cut his little animal belly open."
Castro also addressed the imminent threat to the world posed by global warming. Once again, Castro enthralled all in attendance with his masterful grasp of the issue, adroitly translating advanced concepts in climatic science into how they effect all of us today. "Why's it so cold in here? You get some kind of medal for making me piss icicles," Castro demanded on several occasions. Then, only a short time later, he shouted, "What the hell? You trying to turn this place into an oven?"
After closing his remarks, Castro crafted yet another stunning commentary on the too fast pace of modern life as he was lead back to his seat by an aide. "Slow down there, you son of a bitch. What the hell's the rush? You got a date or something? Probably with a guy you little fag," he shouted. Then, upon reaching his seat, "Well, what do you know. Everyone's still here. Guess you ripped my arm out of its socket for nothing."
Castro spent the rest of the event vividly demonstrating his deep connection with the common people and sympathy with their struggles to make ends meet by stealing all the Sweet and Lows, ketchup packets, and napkins from the tables around him. "They can afford it," Castro assured.
Al Gore Claims He Invented "The Happy Ending."
Ballston, VA (BNSE): Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon.
Gore raised eyebrows by dismissing the claims that he sexually assaulted at hotel masseuse as "a baseless, politically motivated attack to mischaracterize my ongoing efforts to advance my pioneering work in developing 'the happy ending' concept in the personal massage industry."
The "Happy Ending;" a slang term of allegedly widespread practice of disreputable personal massage therapists offering sexual gratification to clients for an additional fee after performing massage services, has been condemned by law enforcement officials as a form of prostitution. Vice President Gore, however, sees the Happy Ending as a desperately needed "value added" service to spur job growth in the troubled economy and provide needed stress relief in today's hectic lifestyle. "Ever since my days decades ago when I layed the foundations that would become the Internet, and humped mounds upon mounds of data to discover the causes of global warming, I have worked tirelessly to bring the happy ending out of the closest and plunge it deeply into the mainstream of American culture. To claim that my ongoing research and promotion of this progressive idea is somehow a form of sexual harassment, or even assault, is as unethical as it is preposterous, and I deny it categorically."
When questioned about allegations of the masseuse claiming to have physical proof of the Vice President's actions in the form of "bodily fluids" belonging to Gore on her pants, Gore described them as "baseless." "Ha," mocked the Vice President. "You want to take a guess about how much of my bodily fluids you could find on the pant legs of the Nobel or Oscar nomination committees? There are at least 10 MSNBC anchors I have to beat off with a stick or I wouldn't have any fluids left. The presence of my fluids on her pants means nothing more than she was a willing participant in my valuable research. And, as I recall, the additional twenty I left on the nightstand proves it."
Gore closed his remarks lamenting the toll these accusations have taken on his personal life, particularly as it relates to the recent separation between himself and wife, Tipper. "Not only have the unfair accusations injected a high level of stress into an already difficult personal situation. Before our separation, these lies brought my happy ending research almost to a complete standstill as I worked to save my marriage. Out of desperation I even abandoned my public study and scaled back my investigations to mere moments when I was alone in the bathroom. But even then, Tipper would some pounding on the door demanding to know if I was researching again. After so many interrupted sessions, I would become frustrated and shout, 'Of course I'm researching you crazy bitch, what do you think I'm going? Jerking off?' Things just went downhill from there, and I look forward to our making amends once my innocence is proved."
Top 2010 Investment Tips.
New York, NY (BNSE): Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes "substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011."
In the panel's report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure.
"We wanted to show in a very realistic sense which market segments are primed for growth despite current economic conditions," said one member of the panel. "Even in the toughest economic times, there are areas of prosperity. Sometimes, it is just a matter of thinking outside the box and exploring what the economy will look like in 2011 and 2012, rather than 2008. Our predictions based on the most conservative estimates of what the real economy for the next few years, if not decades, will look like. These are not pie in the sky projections, but the most realistic estimates of what the new 21st Century economy will look like, and how investors everywhere can take advantage of these new trends."
Among the panels recommendations were:
1. Human Meat Commodities: Cannibalism is the wave of the future as food prices continue to climb and mounting government debts limit food stamp and food relief programs. According to the report, "Initially investors will be hesitant to accept cannibalism. However, as economic conditions continue along their current trends, more and more people will embrace this valuable and inexpensive food source. As the average consumer's comfort level grows with this new cuisine, new market opportunities will emerge as enthusiasts begin to expand their culinary horizons beyond wildly attacking grandma on the kitchen floor. Some segments primed to growth are cannibalism oriented cook books and multimedia, restaurant chains, and even the medical field as hospitals convert over to sausage production."
2. The Cardboard Housing Sector: Cardboard boxes will become the trendy condos of the new millennium, states the report. "Already, cardboard manufacturers are seeing a sharp spike in sales due to thousands of Americans exploring biodegradable living. As this market most certainly grows, traditional building companies will quickly seize the opportunity to offer the consumer more rigid, portable, cardboard boxes to live in that do not smell like dirty feet. Eventually, associated markets will also experience growth from this trend as consumers expand their dwellings to multiple box encampments under bridges, abandoned manufacturing pants, and any secluded area near a river. Glass jar companies will be pressed to production capacity as the demand for lavatories skyrockets."
3. Two Guys in a Blue Van Retail Sector: A mainstay of the non-traditional economy; out of trunk, parking lot, and bar room direct sales retailers will rival their brick and mortar competitors as cost conscious consumers seek to further stretch their disposable incomes. Market segments showing the most potential for expansion are car radios with torn wires, all varieties of leather coat apparel, and firearms.
4. Domestic Violence Personal Services: Lifestyle adaptations to new economic realities will spur an upsurge in various personal training and advising services for the style conscious consumer who wishes to fully embrace their new social status. "Already, several new start ups are looking to offers high potential IPOs in the next six months. 'Don't Make Me Show You the Back of My Hand, Bitch, and Associates,' 'I'm Tired of Your F**king Lip, International,' and "I Want to Drink All Day Because I Like It, et al,' are the early leaders in this field."
5. Dumpster Mining Futures: Unique as the lone standout in an otherwise lackluster American manufacturing sector, dumpster mining will continue to grow exponentially for the foreseeable future. "As this market continues to develop and mature, investors can expect a rapid influx of venture capital and an increased acceptability tolerance for trading in dented cans on the major indices. While this segment is somewhat exposed to the higher risks associated with commodities trading, statistics show that dumpsters completely full of paper are rare, and one out of every three trash containers exploited exceed expectations in terms of leveraged yields due to finds not having crap all over them and high numbers of barely eaten pizzas."
Patronization Conference Attended By More Than Would Interest You.
Princeton, NJ (BNSE): Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation's most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual "Patronization Expo," held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University. The Expo, billed by organizers as, "A free flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you," began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely "pretentious," and not actually "patronizing."
In an exclusive interview, the chief organizer for the event expressed his thanks for the media's interest in his event, "That is so special you are reporting on what we do here this week. Thank you so much for your time. I imagine your readers will really enjoy reading about our little soiree here, especially after tiring themselves our surfing all that pornography on the Internet. Did you know 'soiree' is a French word? That's a language they use in a place called Europe. It's very far away. Here, give me your note pad and let me help you spell it... This is called 'cursive writing.'"
Expo attendees were, for the most part, "far too busy" with "very important issues you cannot understand," to comment on the Expo's agenda, however, were more than happy to give this reporter directions to the kitchen, coat room, and "closet where they keep the vacuums." One attendee invited this reporter to enjoy the Expo's hors d'oeuvres selection and sample "food that is not handed to you through a car window."
The few scant details of the Expo's events included a round table discussion titled, "Everybody is Ignorant but Us," several lectures on the finer points of using hand gestures and fingers to form quotation marks during causal conversation, and a multimedia presentation exploring the current anti-bank, big business and government trend sweeping the nation titled, "Aren't They Cute?"
Despite a large turnout, the Expo is not without its critics. A prominent professor emeritus from a renowned Ivy League university and current consultant to several major Wall Street financial firms warned the need for such an expo was indicative a decline in American higher education. "Patronization is in the blood, not the mind," explained the professor. "If you have to think about it, then you need to realize that you're probably not in the right place and go back to watching pro wrestling or something.
"I learned my patronization from my gran' papa, just like it is intended. I can still remember sitting on his yacht at the age of three and his telling me, 'Trevor, facts are facts, figures are figures, all for the rich man, none for the... needy.
"Do you know what a grandfather is? He's a male who is related to you who tells you things. Just like your father just older... Do you know your father? He's the nice man who gave your mommy money for a six pack and a little baby in the back seat of a Vega many years ago. And, that little baby was you!"
The Expo organizer took polite exception at the objections of the scope and content of the event, "You know, perhaps we would both be happier if you would leave the Expo planning to me, and I'll leave the doubling up on my next bet at the local cock fight to you. Sound like a deal? Thanks."
Full Story:
Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election with "Psychic Estimate."
"There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible," Pelosi stated. "Certainly, millions of Americans vote regularly and see it as a civic duty. However, there are millions of others who rarely, if ever vote, and their voices are never heard.
"This is simply unfair. For millions, the demands of voting simply take too much time away from television to make it worth their efforts. Others are simply unable to stop thinking about themselves long enough to do anything that does not give them something for free at the end.
"Still more complain that both paper and electronic ballots require people to read before they can cast a vote. Again, this is simply too much of a burden to place on the average American. Many report they see all those letters, get angry, and just start compulsively stabbing in rage at the ballot until an election official asks them to stop. Why should millions of Americans be disenfranchised simply because they are too distracted and uninformed to make a rational decision?"
"It is obvious this is no way for the greatest democracy in the world to operate, and reform is desperately needed to ascertain the true will of the people. Previous efforts at replacing traditional ballots with one big box marked 'VOTE' have failed to gain widespread support, leaving us little option other than turning to America's psychic community to return fairness and equality to our government."
According to a blue ribbon panel's report released from Pelosi's office, the 2010 election cycle would be replaced by a "psychic estimate of voter intent," conducted by "Madam Mu-Mu," a prominent psychic "reader to and of the stars," from Pelosi's home district near San Francisco.
"My stars," exclaimed Madam Mu-Mu upon learning of per possible appointment. "Madam Mu-Mu never guessed something like this would ever happen to her! Love and light to us all. My Stars!"
Madam Mu-Mu assured she would not just channel the true will of the electorate, "[But] all other disenfranchised spiritual beings who share our dimensional space. Finally, the dolphins, otters, unicorns, even the earth spirit herself, will have a say in the direction of our national economy."
Republican Congressional leaders voiced agreement with the concept of Pelosi's proposal, however, objected to the timing. "Our nation is facing an unprecedented economic downturn, massive budget deficits, and spiralling job loses," said House Minority Leader, John Boehner. "This is no time to add something more to our plate. We would have been very interested in this plan, say in mid 2008, however, now we must focus on dealing with the business of the American people, healthcare reform, and lowering taxes to spur economic recovery. Perhaps we can discuss these reforms after the mid-term elections when we have more time."
Boehner also objected to the selection of Madam Mu-Mu to conduct the psychic estimate, "There has never been any scientific evidence proving the validity of psychic powers. The fate of our nation is too important to leave in the hands of an unverifiable theory. If anyone conducts this estimate, it should be an unbiased Christian like Pat Robertson, or someone like that. If anyone is deciding the future of America, it ought to be God."
Full Story:
Congress: Health Care Reform to be Funded by Mysterious Nigerian Prince.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told BSNE at a Capitol Hill news conference, initial contact with Prince D'Uod Mababe was made by Pelosi herself. "I was checking my e-mail in my office when I happened to glance on one that caught my attention," disclosed Pelosi. "It was titled 'Help Me in My Financial Distress,' so naturally, I assumed it was a constituent and opened it. To my surprise, it was not a request for social services, but an offer of financial support!
"Prince Mababe is trapped in a horrible situation. He was illegally exiled from his homeland and vast financial resources by criminal elements within his own government. Now, not only can he not return to his home, he is unable to support his family because he has been denied access to his bank account and massive investment portfolios on a series of unsubstantiated corruption claims put forward by those who wish to halt his charity efforts to feed and educate Nigeria's poorest children. His plea was simple, help me help the poor children, and I will make you rich in the process."
Pelosi continued by saying that her initial contacts with Prince Mababe were met with skepticism, "[laughs] At first, the Prince thought that perhaps my inquiry was some kind of scam, or attempt by elements of the former Bush Administration, acting in concert with the Nigerian government, to entrap him in some trumped up charge of criminal wrong doing. It was only after we transferred several billion dollars worth of 'good faith' seed funds into the Prince's accounts that he even agreed to talk to us. However, after these awkward moments, I am happy to say our relationship has made remarkable progress.
"Specifically, Prince Mababe has informed myself and select Congressional leaders that his wealth was far vaster than we had ever even imagined. In fact, Prince Mababe assures us that with the full backing of the United States government, our portion of the proceeds could be in excess of several trillion dollars, several times what would be required for a complete overhaul of the American health care system. All that would be required on our part is to allow the Prince unfettered access to Congressional Treasury Department accounts, so he can give us the money faster, and a well funded and coordinated attack on Nigeria for the purpose of returning the Prince to his rightful throne. With the financial windfall we should easily reap from this association, I consider all these conditions well worth the price."
Surprising many Congressional insiders, House Minority Leader, John Boehner, expressed enthusiastic support for Speaker Pelosi's plan. "At first, I was wary of the deal. You know, sounded too good to be true type thing. But, then I noticed that Prince Mababe opened his letter with, 'My Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ.' From that I can conclude nothing else than the Prince is a sincere man of faith who reflects the strong family values that the Republican Party stands for, and must be supported. Plus, Speaker Pelosi says that we will get to buy some more guns and stuff with the extra money! I can't wait for that! And, as for invading Nigeria... Well, you know... There's never been a war I didn't like, so what's one more?"
